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Lord, please give me a good husband

BARRINGTON BRENNEN

Published: Oct 17, 2013

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What are the qualities of a good husband? What do women look for in a man when selecting a husband? I hasten to say that far too many women do not really know what the characteristics of a good husband are. For example, many women want a man to have a good job with enough money to pay all of the bills and for all of her personal needs so she can keep all her money.

Some women want a man with enough money so she does not have to work outside of the home. Furthermore, they want a man to lead the home by making all major decisions and having the last say. I am proposing that these characteristics constitute a poor formula that often leads to abuse.

It is important that a husband has a job. It is also important that a husband be a leader, primarily of his own life and be willing to lead with his wife. What is certainly not good is when a woman begins the relationship as a dependent. These are not the ancient days when women had little or no value and could not be educated, nor have a job, nor a bank account.  Before a woman or man enters a relationship both of them are to be independent, self-sufficient, well-adjusted, matured adults. It is imperative that a woman be totally independent, and has no need of a man, before she really seeks one.

I have observed that there are still some young brides who leave their parents homes on their wedding day as a dependant young adult and join in holy matrimony to an independent man who feels honored to take care of his new wife — that is, the man she was dating has been paying for all the meals on the date.  He has a good job, and she depends on him for the funding of simple enjoyments or fun times when they are together. She has never been, or very rarely was, in a position to contribute to the financial decisions made before marriage. This is a receipt for disaster.

Women, if you need a man with money because you do not have any, you might be setting yourself up for a miserable relationship. That is not a good characteristic of a good husband. In fact, that is not even a good characteristic of a good wife.

It is my view that a woman should not begin dating until she is able to control her own destiny in the relationship. Do not allow the male you are hoping to have a relationship with to have the upper hand. Perhaps, it is important for me to define the term dating. In my own words, dating is a relationship with an end in mind. What kind of end do you have in mind? Is it sex, a baby or marriage? If you do not have an end in mind before you start dating, an end will happen, and it might not have been on your mind. That’s painful.

I appeal to men not to allow themselves to be mesmerized by the cultural expectations that they are to be the money bag and in charge of the relationship. You might enjoy having her with you, but at some point, you will hurt her or she will hurt you. If you need to show your power and manhood by paying all the bills, then you are misguided and will ultimately become a weak man in the eyes of the woman because one day all the money might be gone and your power will be stripped, thus your manhood.  Then the risk of being abusive will increase.

Marriage specialist Dr. John Knoles said, “A good husband knows that, as his responsibilities increase, his rights will decrease. [He] is willing to give up everything except responsibility for his actions. Realizes his integrity has dynamic, influential value. Desires godly integrity, not just an image.”  A good husband loves unconditionally. He seeks not to control, but to serve.  He shares power with his wife. His daily passion is to serve and love his wife.

Women, remember a good husband is not determined by how much he will do for you, but by how much he will do with you. You can only know if he will share with you if you bring your own strengths and independence to the table. Go and find a good husband.

• Barrington H. Brennen is an ordained minister of the gospel, marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com; or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas; or call 327-1980.

 


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