find out the tell-tale signs
By MONIQUE FORBES Guardian Features Reporter
Something is changing in your relationship, somehow your spouse is acting suspicious and it leaves you wondering if their attitude change or excuses of working over time could mean they are working overtime in a sexual relationship with someone else.
"In The Bahamas in about 65 percent of all marriages, there is a cheating spouse", says Carson Lundy, whose worked with cheating couples for some 20 years.
According to Lundy, one of the biggest indicators a spouse is cheating is a neglect of his financial obligations.
"The bills are not being paid on time anymore because the money is going elsewhere," says Lundy.
Other changes in the relationship Lundy says persons should look for are changes in the hours that the person comes home. More arguments, often incit
ed by the person who is looking for an excuse to leave the house for a few hours, or because they re feeling guilty.
And the person noticeably spending less time with the family.
Statistics show that 65 percent of the persons today secretly fantasise about an extra marital afffair with one
of their co-workers, and amazingly, statistics also show, that 50 percent of those persons actually do end up having an affair.
Lundy says however, that persons often time cheat because they don't prioritise
"People need to prioritise, in this order, God first, family, then job. Priorities are important . If the priorities are not in that order, the relationship fails."
He noted that adults often fall to peer pressure from single friends who may lead astray. "Women in particular when they start to hang out with a lot of girlfriends, their priorities change," he says.
"If a friend is not able to respect your priorities," he continued, "Then they are not your friends."
He stated that often times, a wife that's hardly home because she's at work or is neglecting her 'wifely duties' can propel her husband into the arms of another woman.
However, Lundy also feels the morals and values of the Bahamian society also contribute to the dilemma of the cheating male.
"They (men) look at it as a way of life. It's a macho thing, and that's because they weren't grounded properly in the family or church," he says in his analysis.
"Kids grow up in families where their parents cheat, they look at this and think it is natural to do. And the church telling them not to commit adultery is n't good enough," he further commented.
Some researchers conclude women cheat because their is a lack of emotional fulfillment on behalf of their partners.
Christina Odone, Deputy Editor of The New Statesman writes in her article on Why Women Cheat:
The straying wife is looking for Mr Listener, not Mr Right. She seeks a man who will hear her out, a man who uses his ears to hear her - rather than as yet another body part he can tug, pick at, scratch. She wants a wailing wall, an interactive audience and a father confessor all rolled into one.
Modern home life is conducive to none of the above: Home is where the other half grunts and snorts in front of the box, an anti-social animal who only stirs to refill his glass. Home is where children demand your attention, bills clamour for payment, and his mother comes for a meal. Home is where you run a bath to hear yourself think - and no one seems to want to hear you speak.
Nevertheless Lundy said regardless of whose fault it is to blame cheating isn't easy, and if you truly love the person, committing adultery should be your last resort, and if you think you have a cheating spouse your best bet is to sit down and try to communicate. If that doesn't work you should seek professional counseling to determine whether or not your marriage is worth salvaging.
SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE
Cheating spouses provide much of the work and income of most private investigators (PI), and every PI has developed his list of "tell tale signs of a cheating spouse."
Here's a list derived from articles by private detective Bob Brown.
* At the beginning of an affair, the husband may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.
* Later, after the affair has been going on awhile, he often starts finding fault with the wife as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to justify the affair in his mind).
*Cheating husbands often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc.
* Cheating husbands may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.
* The cheater's relationship with his family will almost always change, that is, he will tend to become more distant, cold, or fault-finding (i.e., he starts to blame the family, especially the wife, for his behavior).
* Financial changes may become noticeable. The wife may notice unexplained credit card charges or withdrawals from the family's checking account.
- Grooming habits change. A cheating husband may buy a new wardrobe or a lot of new clothes, or may just suddenly start to become more attentive to his personal appearance. The wife may notice frequent bathing, more careful grooming, a new cologne, a new exercise program, etc.
- Physical clues to the affair may start appearing, such as lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odors on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on underwear. Or the wife may discover pieces of paper with notes or phone numbers, unexplained match books, receipts, condoms, etc.
- The husband's driving pattern may change. The wife may find the car needs gas more often than before or she may monitor the car's odometer and find the husband is putting a lot of unexplained miles on the car. Brown recommends that suspicious wives keep track of the mileage on their husband's car and even monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. "Keep a calendar and note the times," he says. "This should help establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime."
- On occasion, the wife may notice her husband whispering into the phone. He may look alarmed when he sees her observing him and may hang up suddenly. There may be abrupt hang ups when she answers the phone herself. (Want to know who called? You can dial *69 to get the number.)
- The wife may find unexplained, repetitive charges on her husband's mobile phone bill. Often these will be calls her husband made right after leaving home in the morning and right before coming home in the evening. According to Brown and most other PI's, the mobile telephone bill is one of the best ways to catch a cheating husband. The reason is that the bill for mobile services lists every single call made (unlike a bill for conventional phone services, which list only long distance charges). Thus, if you suspect your husband is cheating, and he doesn't have a mobile phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him one.
Brown comments that "Female cheaters are more discreet in the selection of a lover. This is most likely because of their concern about sexually transmitted diseases. Most females are looking for a longer lasting relationship than a `one night stand.' In past years men were the aggressors; in society today, with the increase of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive." He also mentions that "When a female is having an affair she tends to have more of a `glow' about her." (Presumably, when a guy is having an affair, he doesn't have the glow.)
Also be aware of any close platonic relationships. Most friends will not approve of the cheater's ways but will remain very dependable. Some friends will actually help the cheater get out of the home and will often provide an iron-clad alibi for the cheater. Don't get upset or blame the friend for his/her part in the plan. You must understand although it is difficult, that the cheater's buddy will assist the cheater out of loyalty. This emotion usually stems from a long lasting or childhood friendship.
How to catch a cheating spouse
First of all, the cheater must not know that you suspect him/her. Although it is difficult, you must still treat the cheater the same way you did prior to suspecting him/her of cheating.
Give the cheater plenty of room to hang himself/herself, don't try to interfere with the cheating behavior.
If you suspect the cheater is actually cheating at home while you're away, make false plans to be away one weekend and stay at a local hotel. Park down the street from your residence, then watch and wait.
Before you try some of these suggestions, make sure you are willing to accept the consequences without violence. Have a plan as to what you intend to do if your suspicions are indeed confirmed.
Violence will only increase the possibility of having criminal charges filed against you, an arrest record, possible jail time, as well as a fine, which will only increase your pain.
Caption:Like these figurine dolls a marriage where a partner is unfaithful is fragile one that can easily bring self destruction the partnership.
Posted Monday 15 September, 2003
