Thursday, October 8, 2009

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Funeral etiquette By Leonard A. Johnson ~ President, Bahamas Conference of Seventh-day Adventists ~ For The Guardian Very few experiences stress families as the passing of a loved one, especially if it was tragic or unexpected. It can demand unanticipated amounts of money, and, in some instances, it may require one to relate to several institutions inclusive of insurance companies, place of employment, funeral home, cemetery, family members, and in no way least a pastor, priest or elder. And yet those visits and experiences do not constitute the end, as the service itself can take on the unexpected. A LOOK AT THE SERVICE: Condolences, Remarks and Tributes Depending on several factors, funeral services tend to vary in length. For instance, the number of persons asked or requested to bring condolences, remarks and or tributes is a major factor. It is very unlikely if there are five or more persons giving remarks, although informed, to stick to two to three minutes. Even if reminded by printing of the time limit in the booklet everything will not go as printed. Persons are likely to exceed the time. There is an aura or an appeal of a funeral audience that tempts even the shiest of persons to speak on. Don't let some in the congregation say "Amen!" That's an encouragement to forget the time limit and speak on. Unfortunately, by the time two or three persons would have spoken, it is likely that the speeches will become repetitive; but some persons still follow and repeat what was said. It is not fair to these individuals who were asked to bring remarks, but now they have been preempted. What is even more nerving is when the notes of one are seen to include several pages for a two-minutes condolence. On the other hand, even if a person has no notes does not mean a shorter speech. Equally annoying is when the remarks end in an unscheduled musical selection. Then there are those whose names are not printed but feel that they must speak. SPECIAL MUSIC OR MUSICAL SELECTION Musical selection implies just singing. However, if you attended a few funerals, you would have witnessed persons giving remarks or a "sermonette" before singing, oblivious to the fact that time is moving and others are to follow — not to mention the pastor with the sermon or homily. In some churches, near the time for the musical item, an usher escorts the person to the front and reminds (the singer) of what he/she is to do. So as soon as the person before him/her is finished, (the singer) is in place to sing without unnecessarily extending the song or the service. READING THE OBITUARY Most persons read the obituary once they enter the church and sit down, especially if they are on time and fortunate to obtain a copy. So when someone reads it later, it is essentially repeating the information and utilizing time that could be used for another item. SERMON/HOMILY It is not necessary to preach a long sermon, especially after family and others have been sitting for a long time; neither is it fair to the pastor or priest to have to cut short his or her sermon because everybody prior to him/her took up the time, and a good number of persons left before the message. This raises a question: "What is the purpose of a funeral service?" PURPOSE OF THE FUNERAL SERVICE While some focus on the person's contribution is to be included in the service, there ought to be greater attention paid to God, the creator of life. The sermon is not to speak to the dead but to the living. One's destiny is sealed at the point of death, and thus nothing the preacher or anyone says or does can change that. Therefore, the living must be preached to; but when the time is taken up with extended preliminaries, it is possible that God is shortchanged. ALL CAN PLAY A PART To ensure that the service goes well, it is extremely important that the family and the minister work together closely. The minister, while giving attention to the recommendations of the family, needs to give advice providing a suggested order of service. Additionally, family members should not be made to feel guilty if they have to say "no" to persons who are desirous of speaking or singing; for everyone cannot participate on the program. However, all can play a part in making the family feel loved and cared about. Has it occurred to us that signing the guest register, our presence at the service, as well as a short visit with the family are indicative of our care and concern? A good suggestion is to spend that time with the family following the service when the crowd is dispersed. That is the time when loneliness is likely to set in. If we can visit then and sing, offer tribute, read appropriate passages of scripture and pray, it will do wonders for the grieving family. Another suggestion might be to have a memorial service to allow for more persons to speak and sing. Even allowing a video camera to record all persons wishing to pass on condolences and play back later might save time. If we are not careful, it is possible that funeral services will become more to do with us and not so much the dead. Let's each determine that we will do our part to respect others, the family, the preacher and God. Remember it is all about acknowledging God and being reminded to live for Him! Thursday October 8, 2009