By Kermit B. Fernander, Guardian Lifestyles Reporter, kermit@nasguard.com -

aising children requires such vital and varied skills that parents and families need all the help and support they can get. Dr. Ruth Peters, a clinical psychologist and an expert on parenting, has come up with five parenting tips that work.

She is not suggesting that parenting methods used in the past have been either right or wrong; but she is advising parents to think about and assess what has worked well with their child, and what has not.

Don't major in the minors:

In other words, don't sweat the small stuff. Don't knock yourself out over petty things that leave you so emotionally drained and exhausted, you are incapable of tackling the important issues.

"If it won't have a lasting effect beyond a few days, let it go ... I've never heard of a kid being harmed by skipping the tooth brushing for a few nights, or by not using soap in the shower, or by the bed actually being made only on sheet-changing days," Dr. Peters says

She further suggests that parents focus on the important things, which may be quite different from your neighbor's list of priorities. For example, you may decide that having dinner together as a family three or four times a week may improve channels of communication, and provide the kids with some nutritious meals — apart from pizza and burgers.

It may be that issues around cell phone usage, not sneaking around, being where you say you will be, and abstaining from alcohol and drugs will carry more weight than other issues. "Roll with the requests, compromise when possible, but stick to your guns on the big stuff," says Dr. Peters.

Imagine that the activities in your home are being recorded by video or DVD:

How would you like your associates and friends to see your home videos, and get a real look at how your family members treat each other? According to Dr. Peters: "Being 'on tape' is a great motivator for watching your language (knocking off the negative tone of voice, requesting rather than demanding, cleaning up the four-letter words, and just being more polite with your spouse and the kids)."

She goes one step further by suggesting you actually set up a camcorder one evening when everyone is at home, then view the family production. The results might not be what you would want your colleague at the office to see or — God forbid — your mother-in-law, but, "at the very least, it's a fun activity, and hopefully you will see where some improvements in common courtesy, politeness and body language need to occur."

Put guilt where it belongs — in the trash can:

While parents generally hate to disappoint their children — and saying 'no' to a child is a disappointment — it can also be a learning opportunity. "Children must learn to tolerate frustration, to learn to work for greater goals rather than expect all to come to them in the present, and to evolve into a being that accepts and understands another's point of view."

If we must disappoint our children, so be it. However, the worst thing a parent can do is give in to the child's request just to avoid feeling bad about having to disappoint. "Kids are resilient and it's really difficult to get them down, and they are often pros at knowing how to push your guilt button proficiently," says Dr. Peters:

When a punishment did not work last year, try something else:

You may have tried time-out or limiting your child's TV time, but with poor results. If this is the case, try thinking out of the box. Your kid may, in fact, not be terribly interested in TV! It's up to you to discover their true interests. These vary, of course, but may include anything from collecting baseball cards, buckles, or costume jewelry to renting a DVD or video game, and most kids will enjoy earning such rewards.

As far as time-out is concerned, Dr. Peters says 10 minutes in bedroom time-out is generally a waste of time, but half hour in a safe, boring spot (empty hallway, safe bathroom, utility room with no chemicals or dangerous objects) generally will get the kid's attention.

Teach compassion and gratitude as you would Math and Reading:

Dr. Peters suggests that having a high Intelligence Quotient (IQ) is great, but it's more important for your child to have a high Emotional Quotient (EQ). Acquiring emotional balance will help the child to better cope with the demands of adulthood, such as getting along in the workplace, relating to a spouse or raising children when the time comes.

"We all want our children to be bright and literate and to achieve to their capacity in the academic setting. But how about in their hearts, souls and value systems? Dr. Peters further recommends that parents "take time to discuss with the child right from wrong, how it feels to be in someone else's shoes, why people make the decisions they do, and the consequences (good and bad) that result."

Teaching the child about helping others, especially the less fortunate is most important, and Dr. Peters suggests visiting, reading to or playing games with residents at a nursing home. To drive home the principle that charity begins at home, parents might consider organizing a patio sale and donating the profits to a favorite charity.